711, keep me warm

ok, so my last post was mostly an attempt to channel my inner emo child, crying black eyeliner tears. tongue-in-cheek, if you will. but nonetheless, life has shown once again how abruptly things can turn spectacularly bad. the dysfunction that is my relationship with my mother has reared its ugly, ugly head, bubbling to the surface (as it always does). last time she told me to leave, i promised myself that i would do so the next time she made it clear that i wasn't welcome in 'her' house--so, on thursday night, i ran. away. from my parents, and unfortunately my sisters.

claire came to pick me up, and patiently listened to my angsty rantings and tearful frustrations. living on a mattress in claire's room was welcome distraction, even if it was only prolonging the inevitable. meanwhile she drove me to work and to youth group and to work again so i could pretend to be my normal, eccentric, happy, confident self. (however, how natural my 'normal' social state is was, i think, shown by my uncanny ability to fake it these last few days. hmm.)

having finished five long hours teaching kids to swim with a frozen smile plastered across my face, and having mulled around claire's room for a couple of hours in an effort to put off coming home, i rang the doorbell to my mother's house (after all, i hardly feel welcome). thankfully, mum was asleep and the door was opened to reveal lara's beautiful face. apparently, as i later found out, if mum had had her way i wouldn't have been allowed home at all. talk about love. anyway. then i retreated to my room, unpacked my bags, hung up the clothes scattered over my bed, tidied up the piles of books and paperwork and cds...and put myself to bed. i have a feeling that i could actually be getting really sick: splitting headaches, aching glands and muscles, sore throat, and of course the horrible cough i've had for almost a month.

getting away taught me a few things. firstly, that moving out and forcing my parents to allow me independence is a viable option. how many times have i been told that i am utterly incompetent and completely dependent? to an extent, this is true. but there are options; the christian organisation at sydney uni, for example, offers great living assistance and rental opportunities, and centrelink provide monetary support to full-time students. the second thing i learnt impacts on the first. my friends, and in particular claire and jono, have proven themselves selfless and compassionate and caring and concerned, not just in kind words but in practical help when i needed it most. i am so very bad at sharing my problems with others that my friends don't generally get a chance to prove their support of me. claire says it's because i'm so good at listening; i inspire confidence in people to express their own problems, often at the expense of my own. maybe she's right: the other week, at about 3am at an 18th that was slowly winding down, this random guy came up to me and launched into his life story, suicidal tendencies and all. sometimes i get a bit resentful towards my friends because i feel like i end up giving heaps of emotional support to them without recieving any in return. but in truth, it's my fault because i don't share in the first place. ker, bel, eirian, all those kids, have offered to have me if i need a place to stay, also. and they totally rock. but anyway, my point is that now i am certain that my incredible friends will be there to hold my hand if i do decide to go it alone. which makes moving out an option for me.

there's one major problem with me moving out though
i'd have to learn to...cook.


in other news, it's valentine's day. yiew. i'm not a fan of valentine's. yeah sure, there's the whole commercialism, consumerism, invented by hallmark, questionable motives of valentine writing to his jailer's daughter. but to be perfectly honest, i think i'd quite like it if i ever had someone to share it with.

i'm pretty sad huh.


sounds gracing my eardrums: massive attack, inertia creeps