hang the baskets on the wall

i am quite content to do nothing. more than content--i thoroughly enjoy it. i love, especially, having the entire house to myself. turning my music up nice and loud. dancing around my room in my pyjamas. stealing chocolate from the cupboard (or at least sneaking spoonfuls of nutella from the jar). it is not so much enjoyment derived from watching dvds or surfing the net, but enjoyment derived from the fact that i can, if i choose to, watch amelie or check out homestarrunner. it's that blissful feeling that comes from knowing that i don't have to stress about anything.

having time just to being alone is a big part of me being happy. as much as i love to go to a cafe after church with everyone or do coffee with one of my lovely girlfriends or a gentlemanly boy...i need that time alone. it's only the last few months, i guess, that i've reconciled myself to that.

i think the capacity to be alone with oneself is telling of how one feels about themselves. a couple of years ago i resented catching the bus home from school by myself. but now i relish walking to the station and just spending time with god. it's nice to get away from everyone; it's nice to look up at the expanse of sky and feel totally alone, or rather, totally alone with god and--er--sky. i don't feel pathetic anymore on the occasional saturday night spent curled up in a doona at home, shuffling around the house like a fluffy caterpillar. (and yes, i think caterpillar because john marsden uses it as a simile in the tomorrow when the war began series--i can't claim it. actually, i'm shocking when it comes to similes. i've got nothing as far as similebrain goes.) but i think now i can deal with the reality of 'me.' that sounds very silly. but: there's not really anywhere to hide when you're all alone. when other people are around you can defer self-contemplation and, indeed, any expression of your unadulterated self. it's when i'm alone that i have to face my sinfulness, and, conversely, the gifts that god has given me. it's only then that i can truly give it all over to god. it's only then that i can fully say, with my whole being, both 'thanks for making me your perfect creation, heavenly father' and 'i'm so sorry that i screw up so much'. most significantly: it's when alone that the immensity of the cross bears down on me most forcefully.

there's perhaps more to it than that, for me. i like being alone because, as i said, i can for example dance around in my pyjamas. makeup-free. hair naturally oiled. sleepy eyed. enormous pj pants that sit halfway down my butt, announcing 'i'm three sizes too big for you!' as they slide. dancing ridiculously, moves that scarily resemble the routines of 80s film-clips. this is a picture of me at my worst. at least according to society. but what freedom to be ugly in society's eyes! to be a true alien of society! to be a total stranger to the image the magazine pages and tv dramas promote in glossy whispers to teenage girls like me!

i'm not confident enough to be this messy-hair, imperfect-complexion alien in public. for now, i revel in the freedom afforded by escaping society's gaze. aloneness means not having to worry about whether i look pretty or intelligent or 'cool.' aloneness means not having to shape myself according to what other people want to see.

aloneness allows me to be myself.



(and no, 'aloneness' isn't a word.)