it's a good time to blast off to space

steve said this really cool thing on saturday night. something along these lines:
don't be afraid to fall in love. god did, and he got hurt, and he is hurt everyday, but he still loves and never stops loving us.

love freaks me out. i am simultaneously enticed and repelled by it, as a notion and in practicality. i desperately want to feel it, but when i do--or i think i do--i have the biggest desire to crawl under my finding nemo quilt and stay there til the feelings fade. i rarely like a boy. on the one hand, i have high standards and i don't want to settle for anything less than a deep and total love. but on the other hand, my lack of self-esteem makes me think that those few who do meet my standards are far too good for me.

i know that i'm pretty smart, and that i am sufficiently human-looking to get by, and that god has blessed me with talents and passions. moreover, i am in the process of knowing more fully that being a child of god is my complete identity. that regardless of said smarts and talents and physical appearance, i have been clothed in righteousness by jesus' blood. that i am god's workmanship, and though everyday i flee from him into the ever-widening arms of sin, he has rescued and redeemed and sanctified me.

it's one thing to seek after a godly guy. but what do you do when you find one...and find yourself filled with an all-consuming sense of inadequacy?

are you in?

abstract:
finished my last *major* essay last monday. skipped half of my uni hours this week. spent way too much time on the internet (why?). wrote a bible study on genesis 12-50. thought a lot, but didn't get anywhere.


it's been one of those funny weeks that float away without me realising, like the clouds rolling away from above sydney uni halfway through the day when you're wearing jeans and a blazer. and left boiling in the heat of the gravel path home from the station. actually, it's not much like that at all. friday night i didn't have a melt-down in kerensa's car, breaking from the tradition of the last few weeks. maybe because she didn't drive me home. hehe. normally on a typical friday night i'm experiencing tiredness of the cranky variety, and fear of the essay syndrom: not a good mix. but last friday, though certainly tired, i wasn't gripped by the usual fever that comes with the insidious creeping of an essay due date towards me. which is good, but also bad because though i stayed home on saturday night ostensibly to start the essay (and, let's face it, coz i'm a serious nerd), i had no motivation. because fear of failing is generally my only incentive to spend hours in front of my laptop, to the sound of custom kings. who are great, and yet another band to move to melbourne for. so, without the fear i was pretty much useless. pottered around. did the msn thing even though i don't even like msn. posted on the col forum coz it's a fabulous procrastination tool and it makes me feel even more like a die-hard groupie.

consequently i spent sunday moulding myself into the shape of a chair. or maybe sitting on my chair for way too long essaying it up (baby). still wasn't stressed, even though The Makings Of The Worst Essay I've Ever Written smirked at me through the computer screen. meh, i figured. it's the worst film in the world; it deserves to have my worst ever essay written on it. too bad it's worth 35%. went to church at 6 coz i was on singing roster, which was fun. i love singing. i would be stoked if i could just sing always. i was in a really strange mood at rehearsal before church because...well, partly because by this stage my progress on the essay was so insignificant that The Makings Of The Worst Essay I've Ever Written had now started laughing at me, cackling away in my room while i was singing a suburb away at church. but since i still was seriously un-stressed about said essay, my weird mood was mostly due to the fact that even though i'd only left my room for food and potty breaks all day, i'd been yelled out (what seemed) continuously. somehow i manage to get in trouble even when i've locked myself in my room. if it wasn't so damn annoying, you could even say that's a pretty amazing talent.

yeah so anyway. i rant and rant and forget completely what i was talking about ten lines above. singing roster was cool coz i was just being really stupid and randomly scatting and improv-ing and dancing and being a total loser. i was so loserish i would fit in on australian idol, even. had the hand actions and the paulini tapping the mic thing going, and i was even throwing *deep* facial expressions at lara so she kept stuffing up coz she was laughing at me. wooot.

i feel sorry for the band kids who were subjected to viewing my stupidity. i don't feel sorry for lara though, coz she knows what i'm really like.

cut uni on monday--three hours of my twelve down. i had to or the essay wouldn't have gotten done by 6pm. did a shoddy job of it but i'm on a hd av in that subject anyway, so i guess i can afford a dodgy mark. then i went to dinner with spal and paul and it was lovely. had a massive d&m vibe which was kinda cool--what i needed anyway. then spal and i d&med it up some more. i love my girlfriends. if only i knew a boy who understood me half as well as kids like spally and bel?
*drowns in self-pity, and then forces way up to the surface with the realisation that it's a stupid cliche*

tuesday i went to uni!! all my classes!! phil would be so proud. hi phil! :P

wednesday was awesome wednesday, awesome because even though i have to get up ridiculously early to get to uni at 9am (and yes, i'm an arts student) and the first half of my tute was boring as, sam and kat rocked up an hour late...with bouncy balls and a yoyo! oh the joy. you must understand that my english tute, though full of really cool kids, is terrible. so bouncy balls and a yoyo are infused with an entertainment value usually reserved for primary kids clutching such toys. history was good, as usual. i've never missed a history lecture. if i learnt as much as i do in history in all my other subjects i probably wouldn't miss them either. then it was HAPPY HOUR. meaning jacob and sebastian (ok, his real name is jeremy, but he totally looks like a seb) and i get to spend an hour making bel cry because we're so hilariously funny. honestly, wednesday lunches are absolute gold. we laugh literally for the entire hour. it's so brilliant. and when phil comes along it's even better. jacob and seb and phil are so much greater than most boys. :)

and wednesday was even awesomer than usual because we extended happy hour for an extra hour, so actually it was happy two hours. so that means another hour of uni missed, since i was supposed to be in a tute. i had never intending to go to my uni eng seminar that arvo coz it was just kids doing boring speeches. so in total three hours missed on wednesday.

that would equal six hours of uni missed. check out mah mathematic brilliance! wickety mah wickety. word.

ok the last three points of my abstract don't really need any explanation. and i've gotta go to work.

herein ends the essay.


sounds gracing my eardrums: the octopus lovesong, the amazing joel hockey movement

the horror looks you right between the eyes...the terror on the screen

i am writing (or not writing, as the case may be) an essay on the worst film ever made in the history of the world.

I HATE UNCIVILISED.

say a little prayer for me

Dear Lord,
Fill me with a desire to become more fully the woman of God that a man of God seeks out. Work in me to achieve gentleness and quietness of spirit. Help me to stand firm against temptation, and be clear-sighted in determining the kind of man I am looking for. Don't let me compromise! Don't let me be persuaded by looks or materialistic ideals. Dont let me be blinded by my preconcieved ideas about a potential partner. Don't let me settle for anyone but a man of God, who desires to know and love Jesus more and more, and who is determined to discover what pleases You Lord, and to live it out. Let me be attracted to those men who live up to the expectations of a godly husband as described in the Bible. Help me to be content. To appreciate the joys of singledom. To know that You have my best interests at heart...whether those interests include a relationship or not. Thank you for Jesus. Thank You that He perfects my imperfect prayers so that I can come before You in prayer. Thank You that the Holy Spirit is inside my corrupt little self.
Amen.

a tune for the poparazzi

woot woot woot.

switchfoot's the beautiful letdown is one of those cds i love and then forget about, then love and forget about again. at the moment i'm loving it, and not the macdonalds kind. it's really great. by far the best thing about it is (are?) the lyrics. the lead singer's voice is pretty unexciting, it's good enough but there's nothing special about it. he can sing. but it doesn't grab you or anything. on songs like meant to live the guitars are really fab, and on this is your life, the decks are cool. but in all, it's definitely the lyrics that get me. how fab to have a christian band--a real christian band, who are unashamedly christian and let their passion for god spill over into and indeed inform their music wholeheartedly--become so successful. permeating the minds of the masses, hooked on the riff in meant to live or the honesty of dare you to move; subconsciously infiltrating the minds behind mainstream culture with the word of life.

i should be studying.

all i've got here is books and music / used to have exercise but i outgrew it

alix wins!

i got another two assessments back yesterday and they were both hds and both the highest mark in each of my classes!

i need to take the opportunity to gloat now as i foresee my hd average suffering some pretty severe set-backs in the second half of semester...

in the meantime, yay for me! yay mostly though to god giving me a brain. i pray he'll be able to use my brain for more important things in the future--that is, not just essays on Lithuanian American immigrants or Orwell's Ninteen Eighty-Four or feminist lit or news-stories. and can i take this opportunity to say that writing news-stories is so incredibly, ridiculously boring.

i went to training this morning, taking my tally for this week up to two sessions!! which is two sessions more than every week since january. i always feel better about myself and more awake when i get up and train. it's not particularly fun, but then again it's not particularly heinous either. and yes i got the word henious from ten things i hate about you, which is a fantabulous movie that i watched the other night.
'tempestuous?' 'henious bitch is the term used most often.'
'have you seen the unwashed miscrients that go to that school?'
'but she's a mutant, what if she never dates?'
'...are there sheep?'
'you are so not who i thought you were.'
etc.
i can totally quote that movie as it goes. gold.
i'm not even sure if that's how you spell 'heinous', but it'll do. nor is that the correct usage of the word, probably. but that'll do pig, that'll do. meh.

what's been happening? sleep. eat. uni. stay on the laptop far longer than i should each night. work at becoming an even bigger nerd than i already am. i am such a loser. just ask lara, she gets to witness it. particularly when i'm tired...i say the stupidest things. man.

blonde incident to report: on sunday, i go to eirian (in all seriousness) 'so this oz tag game we're playing...is there a ball involved?' IS THERE A BALL? break it down i say. wickey wickety wack. or the regular kind. it was a fantastically liberating moment of pure stupidity.
i'm smart. really i am.

grease lightning

SWIMMING UPSTREAM
By Alix Baumgartner


Hayley Barnes didn’t have to pack a medal into her bag before she left Brisbane last week, at the close of the National Age Swimming Championships.

She didn’t win one.

Hayley placed equal 17th of 20 competitors in her pet event, the grueling 200 metre Butterfly.

Most 16-year-olds wouldn’t survive 200 metres of Butterfly, but Hayley’s training regime at Roselands Aquatics Centre—18 hours in the pool and four cross-training sessions every week—makes this distance seem short.

Hayley says that she loves swimming, but that her performance at the National Championships was disappointing. She clocked a time three seconds slower than her best. “It’s the best feeling in the world when you swim well. But then again it’s the worst feeling when you swim badly,” she says.

Her coach, Col Robson, says Hayley is the most consistent trainer among the Roselands squad. “Hayley very seldom gives a poor performance at training,” he says. Mr Robson has accompanied Hayley to each of her three National Championships, and says “it is very frustrating when she doesn’t achieve her goals because she deserves to.”

Hayley’s training partner and best friend, Lauren Phee, also competed in Brisbane. Lauren qualified for the championships for the first time this year, and also performed below expectations. “I wish I’d swum a personal best time, but I’m looking forward to swimming better next year,” she says.

Hayley and Lauren agree that it was hard to see their fellow team-members swim so well at the week-long championships. 14-year-old Ciaran Morgan placed fifth in the 100m and 200m freestyle in personal best times. 13-year-old Nicole Ellis slashed her personal best time and improved from 49th ranking to 12th overall.

“I was happy for Ciaran and Nicole, but it is tough to watch,” said Hayley. “I know that I train as hard and sacrifice as much as they do.” But Hayley says it isn’t productive to lament disappointing performances. In fact, “When I swim slower than I hoped I would, I have more motivation at training,” she says.

It is a creditable achievement to even qualify for the National Championships. The qualifying standards improve each year as swimming becomes ever more popular, especially in New South Wales and Queensland.

Andrew Flaherty, Assistant Executive Director of the NSW Swimming Association, said that the number of registered amateur swimmers across the state has increased by approximately 1000 to nearly 40, 000 this competitive season.

As testament to the strength of Australian swimming in the younger ages, the winner of Hayley’s event, Queenslander Stephanie Rice, came second at the Open National Championships in January. But Hayley says she doesn’t compare herself to competitors like Stephanie, who can swim up to 15 seconds faster than her in the 200m Butterfly.

After all, the value of the three medals is created by the fact that 20 or more swimmers are competing for them. “Winning a medal and swimming five seconds over your best time is nothing to be proud of. If you can’t say you’ve improved yourself, it doesn’t mean much,” Hayley says.

Hayley intends to keep swimming indefinitely. “I know I can go faster. As long as I have something to strive for, I’ll keep swimming. I’d love to make a final at Nationals.”