the earth rise

Her soul was not fashioned from my head to direct,
Nor feet to be spurned, but from within my side
-my ribs she was taken
An equal from beneath my arm for me to protect,
And nearest my heart to be loved for
-not forsaken.

by christian, who hits the keys for crying out loud. i think it's beautiful.

smelly cat

l...is for the way you look (you're looking) at me, and
ooooo...is for the only one that i see see see
V!! is for the very (ba-dum!) extra ord-in-ar-y
e...is even more...than anyone that you adore can
looovee...

that song is in my head. and i am at home alone.
song in head + home alone = much of the improvising variety at the top of my lungs.

hehe speaking of which, i was *practicing* (read: listening through twice) this song i'm supposed to sing at church tomorrow in la's bedroom, since she has a cassette player, and me being the oh-so-technologically-savvy chick i am i don't. it's pretty enough. the song, not lara's cassette player. though it is bright pink. i digress. i was *practicing* in lara's room, doing these mad fun trills and oohs and ahhs hella loud...when i realised that all the windows at the front of the house were open and anyone within a twelve kilometre radius could hear my foghorn-like improving. woops. and normally it's the house across the road that infuriates the inhabitants of kingsgrove with their trumpet and piano and whatever else. maybe they'll all think that noisy house has acquired a vocal gymnast aswell? hmm.

there is one slice of chocolate cheesecake in the fridge. and i am at home alone.
chocolate cheesecake + home alone = much of the demolishing variety.
must get to it.

wow this is a pointless post. i'm reaching new heights of creative mediocrity.


sounds gracing my eardrums: beloved, failure on my lips (nish would be so proud)

never enough

i have several messages now.

claire:
honey. we're drifting. it sucks. you are sad and i'm a bit sad (but with not as much reason). if you want i am here to talk. you should talk i think. i mean, it's up to you. and if not with me then that's fine. but i want to be there for you and i want us to be close like before. much love kid. i'll see you on monday...counting the days. :)

bel:
how can someone get me and all my crap? we have the coolest friendship. you are so amazing. you lift me up and you keep me accountable and you listen when i'm ranting (which is often). thanks for being there for me unquestioning this last little while. i've needed you, and i fear i haven't been a great friend to you in all the self-centredness of that. sorry. will make it up to you. i appreciate you muchly!

spally:
my angel in disguise. you may not have the bright glowing thing going on but you're certainly the awesomest. i miss you something crazy, yet i see you more than i ever have ever. it's weird. but i look forward to mondays and uni because of our little lunches. they are so fab. ps. i have big plans for you as one half of the phattest power christian couple. it will be excitement! :P

phil:
dude i've been kinda...something towards you. i've been struggling a bit and probably taking it out on you. i'm sorry. i want to sit down and have a good chat like we did through the summer sometimes. let's make sure that happens ok?

esther:
you rock kid. seriously. pray hard girl. give it to god...who better is there? :) much much much of the love variety to you.

lauren:
honey, i love seeing you, even if it's only occasionally these days. i guess it just means when we get to see each other we are happy and excited and fun and it means all the more. i can't wait to see you around campus and at manning. yiew! work hard kid. you are brilliant. fully. you build me up, you encourage me, you care. i couldn't ask for more.

daniel:
sorry about everything. hehe. i'm totally looking forward to being friends and working together in ministry! you are a top guy. keep jesus as number one. keep being honest with me.

wilmo:
dude! you know what i think about you. wow. that is all. go you. go god working in you. keep encouraging and loving and being you. you may have to fend all the girls off if you keep up this behaviour though! :P

nish:
thanks for caring. thanks for making me feel like you're always there for me. and get your butt back at church already!!!

eirian:
it's tough. work at it like you would a science prac (or whatever crazy things you do in those parts of campus, lol). you are god's workmanship, his masterpiece. live it. see yourself as a child loved by god. then you'll be sweet. you are beautiful. sick brah.

ash:
i got your email. i pretty much agree with your assessment of me. i hope i haven't been too much of a burden to you this year--really. i'm sorry i've been so down. i'm working on it. thank you for being you. amazing, intelligent, kind. in love with jesus. you're quality, kid.

laaaaaaaara:
i love you. you said to write you a long message, but that sums it up pretty nicely i think.



stuff i've been wanting to say, and which i'm now in a sufficiently soppy mood to say. if i haven't mentioned you it's because i suck, not you. i suck eggs, even! feel free to flood me with hate mail if you must.

so real

today i got to uni about half an hour before eu was to start, so i went down to the park and sat in the dappled sunlight. many a lunchtime at high school amelia and i discussed the wonders of dappled sunlight as opposed to straight sun or straight shade. the decision we came to time and time again--that dappled sunlight was the brilliantest--was certainly true. i was sitting in this dappled sunlight, reading arundhati roy's the god of small things...i know roy doesn't mean the god i love, but as i was sitting there i meditated a bit on that title. certainly he is the god of small things--of each beautiful petal of a flower, of high distinctions or even just passes, of trains arriving at the station just as you do, of voices swelling up in church, of wiping away every individual tear, of moments like those in that park before eu. the sky was the clearest blue--you know the effect you get when you are in 'paint' and you select a section of your crappy little scribble to fill with colour? say you picked the light blue colour. that's the kind of sky god let me look up at in the park today. the awkward blocks of grey protruding from beyond the park--the city buildings--looked absurd, such was that awesome vast blue mass. like god had grabbed a god-sized brush and painted it in one smooth, god-like stroke. if i looked directly up (which obviously, i did, otherwise i wouldn't be able to write this sentence) the leafy tree, which sprouted up like one of those fab afros on brooding arty uni boys, was punctured by a dot of brilliant light. the sun. so bright my oversize sunglasses couldn't compete. but not nearly as bright at the light jesus embodies. the tree was punctured by the sunlight, offering a tiny glimpse at the penetration of god's light in this world of darkness. sitting there, i felt utterly calm. i felt silent. i felt content. i wasn't bored or anxious or stressed. i didn't have to make sure i looked sufficiently pretty and confident to fool those around me that i wasn't 'making sure' and that it was effortless and natural to be pretty and confident. the two boys kicking a soccer ball around, the couple chatting, the young guy reading and highlighting ferociously: all insignificant to me. just--that feeling of being alone, and happily so. at least at that moment i was content with being alone and being with god and knowing jesus. which should be enough at every instance, of course. 'i have learned the secret of contentment,' wrote paul. that is a secret i know and just need to cling to and grasp at with the fervour of all those action heroes dangling off a precipice in the climatic scene at the end of those dirge-like films.

as i was settling in, i realised there was weird sticky stuff on the ground where i was sitting. and as i got up to brush myself off the 'no vsu' rally march bore itself down past the library and next to the park. a seething, yelling, colourful mass of people, sweaty with protestation and passion, brows furrowed with the effort of prepared slogans and rallying calls led by the most enthusiastic of their kind, who chanted into their megaphones with pride. i agree vsu should be stopped; i understand it's implications for university life. but in truth, the juxtaposition of the tranquility of that park and the spectacle those marchers as they wound their way down was more than a little comical. everything took on humorous undertones: a red-hot university protester, running across the park to catch up to the march, with his curly mop of hair flopping rythmically up and down against his back, the fact that the two guys playing soccer seemed to get worse with practice. etc etc. it was a nice, private, inward-looking feeling; like i was privy to a joke made by and for myself. or maybe that god revealed the funniness, the quirkiness, of those little gestures of the few people scattered across the park. 'oh that was so real' wails jeff in his lovely tortured tenor on windows media player, right this second. indeed it was. so real, and so god's, and so me being privileged and blessed.

if i only had a brain

i love how
i write in this thing
when i have a massive essay due tomorrow
and it's not going to get done
(well it is--i was just praying yesterday, thanking god for the fact that although i often don't think this or that essay or assignment is going to get done, it always does...albeit with the aid of the early morning hours)
but it's funny how
when i have uni work/school work/work of any sort
i want to
read trashy magazines
watch dvds
write in my blog
when i have an assessment due
but as soon as
that assessment is completed
the desire to do those things
disappears.
during the three month summer holidays
i didn't read any trashy magazines
i watched one dvd total
ok, i wrote in my blog a fair bit, but only because it was a new toy at the time.

what up wit that? (no 's' in what up; no 'h' in wit...get with the program anthony!)


sounds gracing my eardrums: custom kings, peace

i see the light but i can't feel the heat

yes, i complain about boys a fair bit...they sometimes disappoint me. but god did make us to be in relationship with one another...and what's so wrong with wanting a boyfriend? i wish i could say that i enjoy being single, but i simply don't. and i'm not going to pretend that i do for the sake of sounding like an 'independent woman.'

bel understands what i mean.

i have been feeling quite emotionally fragile and just generally not very happy these last few days. i hate writing on this thing when i'm feeling sad, because i sound so ridiculously pretentious--in fact, mostly i do write my thoughts down but i just never post them. they remain as drafts. but jono inspired this one, and then he said i had to name-drop his name very subtly. this is as subtle as i get my friend. ;)

i have this nightmarish essay due on tuesday. i have spent twelve straight hours on it today, and only covered one of three required texts. and, what i have written on that one text is more than a thousand words over the word count allowed for all three. which really, really sucks. and my back hurts something severe. and i'm supposed to be at bel's watching dvds!

i feel like i should stop complaining. on one level, i certainly should be putting others first and not wallowing in self-pity. yet i got contrary advice from wilmo, the poster-child for gentlemanliness, the other night, which was lovely. he was the first of the male species to ever tell me they liked my insides, even though bruised and in pain, better than my outsides. it made me cry like a damn fool. but how wonderful! in his words, why would he want to know only the shell of an m&m when there was chocolately goodness inside? i guess i need to get stuff out occasionally.

playground love

my love life is so bad
because my imagination is so good.

i hope one day
my fantasies and reality will collide.


[michael olliffe, christian, bachelor, music man, part-time daydreamer, deep, arty, cool.]

who wouldn't stand inside your love?

i think this is my first blog on my new laptop, which is all silvery and pretty and light and cool. so yay. it is also my first blog since my new 'hot hair' transformed me from drab to fab. yay yay.

this easter break i have done far too little, spending more time lamenting the fact that the rest of semester--ten long weeks of assessments--is going to suck, than actually doing anything to make said semester suck a little less. unfortunately i am 110% unmotivated, with a lot of laziness thrown in. the upside is that i am so not stressed. though i dread the seemingly endless due dates all lined up and highlighted in blue (hell, it's supposed to be calming) in my kitschy little asian diary, i'm not perpetually worried like i was during what i fondly call The Longest HSC Ever (And If Not The Longest Then Definitely The Stupidest).

Last night, she said /Oh baby i feel so down...not really. last night i went to the Attic to see COL!!! COL so incredibly deserves three exclamation marks!!! it was fantabulous, as per usual. totally crowded, hot, smelly--and worth it. it's just as exciting to talk to the band members afterwards as it is to see them play. because even on their bad days they sound extremely good, and even on their bad mood days they are lovely. christian and steve are particularly friendly; very good at just walking up and being nice. simon, the drummer, is a very lovely boy. a very lovely boy whose number is now saved to my phone. :) just keeping my options open. hehe.

wishful thinking and know exit, both from victoria, also played and were tight as. this very cute girl band called randall opened the show. they were good in a 'good on them getting up there, coz they're chicks and chicks don't have a big enough presence in the band thing, despite the fact that they're not that good it was ok coz they have a bit of potential' kinda way. nah but all props to them. they were gutsy.

i set today aside to finish off my MECO news story which i have been researching off and on (ok, more off) these last two weeks. it's due tomorrow afternoon, so i figured worst-case scenario, i had a good few hours in the morning to write it frantically.

so you can imagine my surprise when i looked up at the clock after cutting my draft down to 406 words: 10.30....am. so rockin!! "yes," i thought, "now i can clean my room and do the washing!" woot woot woot, as TGS would say. woot.

tonight church was really good. we had matt olliffe come as a special guest, and his sermon...well, whenever he speaks, i leave the service inspired to be a missionary because he has a really strong global evangelistic perspective and is always ready to challenge each member of the congregation to be more active in god's big plan. it's not unforseeable that i complete my degree (at the end of 2008), do honours in history or english or something (2009), and then... i'll be 24...i could go to bible college for a year or two (or more?). by that stage i will have found a wonderful man who is my equal in everything, and we will get married and do mission overseas? even without the wonderful man it's certainly more than possible that mission could be my future. a scary and exciting prospect.


sounds gracing my eardrums: the go-gos, head over heels